There’s high pressure in Seattle’s restaurant scene. Reputation, reviews, big talk can make or break a business. In the world with anonymous screeds on Yelp and secret shoppers, the customer is always right, right? Or are they? The restaurant scene is a consumer-driven industry filled with self-proclaimed “foodies” with high expectations for servers. Servers and bartenders need to be pleasant, fast, knowledgeable, attentive and “on point.” These expectations are of course relative to each establishment, but boiled down to the marrow they are the essential traits of a “good” server.

With huge expectation on one end of the table, it seems unfair to not have just as many expectations for the customer. As a bartender and someone with ample experience on both sides of the bar, I feel it’s time to give the customer a little nudge and not the coffee kind.

Here are some tips for patrons:

Follow Mom’s advice:

If you expect pleasantries from your server then be pleasant. Smile. Speak casually. Relax. Laugh. I remember that simple adage my mother instilled in me: Treat others the way you want to be treated. I love my mom. She taught me to picture my mood as a beacon radiating out to the rest of the world. Good vibe? Bad vibe? Ugly vibe? Choose the laughing heart or stay home. There’s always Postmates. They have minimal contact with customers and therefore better equipped to handle Negative Nancy, Grumpy Greg and the rest of the pouting victims of a glass half empty.

Be ready to order:

Realize your server is working the room and taking time away from serving other people when they approach you. By the third time they stop and you’re still not ready to order realize that’s robbed time and energy from them and has took attention away from other “active” and “participating” customers. Think of dining as a performance of roles. Take your role by the reigns. After all, you are there to consume. Sit down. Read the menu. Ask about the specials. Decide. Order. Then enjoy your company as the staff makes what you ordered. Yum. But just remember as you’re ordering that the dumbest question you could ever ask a server is “Is it good?”

Watch that tone, Bub:

While you order do not take the patronizing tone you use when you reprimand your unlucky child or dog. Condescension seems to be a common mindset people take with servers at restaurants. I’ve seen this again and again (even outside the service industry), and it makes me laugh. Just because a person is serving you does not mean they are subhuman. And why be mean to a subhuman anyway? Are you a sadist? Most servers are probably more creative and educated than you are or working toward it. Not that education necessarily means intelligence, but it does mean something, just ask duped Millennials.

I feel silly reminding readers of relativism but what the hell, it’s Wednesday. Like every human, your server’s context is wild and unknown to you. For all you know maybe the woman setting the plate in front of you is the lead singer for a band Sub Pop Records just signed and will soon be headlining Sasquatch Music Festival where you might pay hundreds of dollars to be her “fan.” “How did she write such amazing songs?” you wonder as you wait in line at the festival, sweating in the heat. Well, one of the main reasons people serve is because it provides a flexible schedule, which attracts creatives, travelers, already working professionals and a trove of non-conformists who simply have things to do other than work a nine to five. There are a million maybes and could be’s. Context people. The heart of this tip is that when you think you’re superior to the person setting the plate of eggs in front you, you’re the one who ends up with yoke on your face and your servants, other patrons and your own colleagues will laugh at you.

Don't be a black hole for attention:

Converse with your server, but do not occupy your server. I’m sure everyone would love to hear about your trip to Spain and the tapas you ate and the wine you drank and how you got there and who you traveled with…but not during at dinner rush.

Time is of the essence in the service industry. Picture all the variables your server is coordinating between you, the kitchen and the bar. Servers, in a sense, are “experience engineers.” They make sure the experience you order manifests in a timely manner; they try to facilitate your good time. Don't get in the way of that.

Not to say there isn’t time to chat, perhaps even share a very, very short story. But at a busy bar, please do not be that black hole demanding unnecessary attention, picking up your story every time the bartender walks by. It’s exhausting and distracting. Imagine you’re at your own job, maybe you’re at a construction site or how about a cubicle at Amazon and a “midlevel manager” has just asked you to write up some TPS reports in the next hour. You get started but then this manager, Lumberg, starts poking into your office to tell you about his own meaningless personal gibberish. Imagine your frustration. Your livelihood depends on the quality of these TPS reports, and they need to be done NOW. You become distracted, anxious, irritable, and probably undateable. The TPS reports suffer. You suffer. Meanwhile Lumberg lingered just above your head and told you all about his cat, Meatball, his workout routine and his extended trip to Omaha to visit his mother who’s doing “just fine,” despite her heart burn that comes and goes depending on if she eats Meatball’s cat food. What? You didn't get that last part because you were copy editing the TPS reports and were started half to death when you heard your own teeth crack.

Lumberg sips his coffee. Relaxed.

There’s a simple remedy here, folks: Perhaps Mr. Lumberg could direct his necessity to converse to the nearest table or the nearest person at the bar. The unsuspecting victim dining nearby does not have the social and economic constraints your server has and is more than likely ready and willing to politely ignore his onslaught of lonely ego-mist or just say, “Psh.”

Check, please:

I’ve seen all the many ways people ask for the bill, from pen-less signatures in the air, finger-scissors cutting the air, a hand chopping the air, finger-scissors cutting a hand, a finger slicing across a throat and my favorite, the gentile scream across the bar. These all communicate to the server that you’ve consumed your fill and are ready to complete the transaction and be on your merry way. The truth is these are all acceptable ways of asking for the bill, but they depend on the setting. They even save the server a trip. But, know your setting, people. Do not grunt for the bill at Walrus and the Carpenter the same way you did at the last dive bar you unfortunately graced with your company. There’s a time and a place for grunting. Or, simply have a little faith in your server. They do this for a living and are pretty good judges at knowing when you’ve decided to go. However if you’re acting like a caged animal that was suddenly and mistakenly released, than the server may decide for you.

Tip others the way you want to be tipped:

If your server performed well, meaning they were pleasant, timely and attentive, tip them accordingly – as in at least 15 percent. After Seattle implemented a higher minimum wage the gist seems to be that customers are now tipping less. Some customers have whittled down their tips to under 10, maybe 5 percent thinking that since a server has a higher wage they need less of a tip. Despite the recent increase in minimum wage, servers aren’t making much more, some are making less, especially considering the ever-present rise in the cost of living and rent. Listen, you're in America. The custom is that good service receives 15 percent. That’s the accepted standard. It's part of the culture of “going out.” Do not commit a cash gaffe. Tips attract good servers and reinforce a high standard. Also, remember that Seattle is not such a large place that a notoriously bad tipper wont be seen again or recognized. Perhaps you like going out and frequenting the same places? Servers remember bad tippers. They talk about it. They tell their server friends. Perhaps you don't care, but servers really, really do. The way you tip will affect their attention to you, their demeanor, and their opinion of you. Will the server anticipate you draining that cup of coffee and top you off or will the server ignore you until you have to ask for more? Both servers know you need more coffee, and yes, yes, they will get to you. It’s not that they dislike you; it’s really that there are other tipping customers who need coffee before you.

Don’t ask me out while I’m busy:

Well, we are about to part because you just yelled across the bar for the check. You’re thinking, “Wow! This person was so nice to me. Yes, he’s okay looking and seems like he was kind of into me because he listened to my meandering stories. We should go out for drinks! I’m going to ask him. But wait, what if he says yes and wants to like, go out tonight? I’ll be late and won’t be able to let Mr. Benji out. He might tinkle on my new entryway rug. Well, I’ll just have to reprimand that cute little thing with the condescending tone I speak to children, servers, interns and co-workers and my own elderly mother with… Okay. I mean like, why not? It’s just a rug, right? He seems really into me. I’m just going to do it and ask! He’s coming this way…”

Don’t. Just don’t do it. Psh. Never confuse a server’s kindness, attention and warmth as an interest in starting something outside the short, circumstantial social transaction you just experienced. After all, a server is really wooing your tip, not you. Nothing personal. But sure, leave your number on the bill.

Can you fall asleep at the bar?

…wow.

Be objective, not emotional:

I try to always understand that I am never the only kid in the sandbox, meaning when I go out, I am not the only person in the restaurant, and the person serving me is also serving 10 to 30 other people in their section. Be patient. Normally if something is taking too long or there are problems, it’s usually not the server’s fault but more so the fault of the mangers and owners. Most of the time it's the result of not enough staff being scheduled to meet the demand of clientele, which can be difficult to predict. Or perhaps a server has taken on too many tables and overwhelmed with orders and requests. It's the manager’s role to see that and remedy the problem. As a customer, be objective, not emotional. Think of the server as a messenger or as the reflection of management and the vision of the owner. Why shoot the messenger?

Doggy bag take away:

Undoubtedly, there are many bad servers out there. However, you may not recognize one because you’ve never been one. You can’t understand the nature of it, the psychology of it, “The horror. The horror.” The only way to fully know is to become a server. Go Gonzo. I may even be so radical and absurd to say that serving should be mandatory in the high school curriculum like how other countries have mandatory military service. There is no better experience that teaches multitasking, work ethic, social grace, self-confidence and an ability to not sweat the little things. But above all servers learn real patience, tolerance, empathy and the ability to “handle” difficult people and caged animals especially during high pressure situations, which are traits that not only make a good server, but an okay human and perhaps a real person.