Criminal. Offender. Suspect. These are the words we have used to describe the people who have broken into our houses, stolen our goods, someone who’s slashed my tires with a machete, some who’s killed, raped, maimed and the like.

However, the City of Seattle and State of Washington have adopted new names for these perpetrators; criminals, killers, rapists will now be called “community members” and once convicted, they will be called“students.”

In an effort to be more politically correct and not offend criminals, law enforcement in Seattle will now write in police reports that a “community member” has broken the law.

We can picture the police officer, coffee addled, munching on a donut and writing the report:

“Officers McMurphy and Francis apprehended the susp— I mean ‘community member’ for perpetrat--…I mean behaving in a manner unbecoming… I mean deviated from what the law has determined to be appropriate…and by appropriate I mean conforming to societal values…by values I mean --- [expletive!] Anyway, the community member spat in officers’ faces after the community member struck another other community member with a machete, maiming the community member. The community member ran from the scene where he was later apprehended at the community center amid community members where a community member witnessed the community member strike the community member with a community member near the community member’s community center… members of the community saw the community member strike the community member and now wonder why a community member behaving in a manner that disrupts the community deserves to be called a community member.”

The Department of Corrections has also made a move to not call prisoners “inmates” but “students.” Prisons are now called “campuses.”

“You mean first-year inmates at Washington State Penitentiary are freshmen students just like me at WASU?”

That’s right, Todd, now go back to your cell-- I mean your “dorm.”

Looking back now it’s funny to think that instead of passing high school, taking all those tests and now paying thousands in student loans, all I had to do to be a “student on campus” was maim a cyclist and plead guilty. After that the State would pay my tuition too and after three to five years I’d get paroled – ah, I mean, I’d “graduate.” Repeat offenders must be graduate students, and well, it follows that life sentences must mean tenured professorship.

“I can’t wait to go to college -- I mean prison!”

Shhhh, Todd, shhhh.

In an effort not to offend offenders, it seems the City and State have devolved and taken a step back from nuances in semantics that precisely identify who’s who in a criminal situation. This change is vague and unnecessary. For instance we would never call the “Green Rive Killer” the “Green River Community Member.” But wait, to call a killer a killer might offend the killer?

No.

I can see the argument that calling a human a word with a negative connotation perpetuates a negative association for the “being” and further instills a negative perspective of its self— but, oh God, enough. Let’s call a spade a spade here. When someone deserves to be called something with a positive connotation, like “community member” or “citizen,” then that’s what they’re called, but when someone rapes, murders and steals, then lets call them rapists, murders and thieves because that’s what they are.

Let’s go slow here folks for a quick example: when someone, let’s say the President, says “I grab them right by the pussy,” we could assume he is a “p-u-s-s-y g-r-a-b-b-e-r.” Pussy grabbing is an assault in this country last time I checked, and therefore someone who commits this act is potentially someone “suspected of assault,” and therefore a suspect. That’s just basic logic. “Il y a un capteur de chatte.”

We are getting caught up in the game of political correctness that ends with being so vague no one can do or say anything to anyone for fear of offense. Soon even “community member” and “student” will be offensive because not everyone can be of that status, and so next we just call everyone “humans” and then that gets too offensive and we say “organism.” Later we call everything “material.” Soon the way we speak will devolve to the most basic level: “the noun verbed the adjective noun near the noun, which verbed the noun.” Then we stop talking entirely and the space ship comes for Todd…

Now that’s nice, snuggly and safe. Is anyone offended?

Here’s the heart of it, when the State adopts the same language used to describe the University of Washington and Seattle Police call criminals and victims the same thing, it just gets confusing, irrelevant and plain unnecessary. Let’s call things by the right name, folks.