by Nek Nosnibor

I was staring into the fridge. Flame (because she has red hair and is hot) was in her big black recliner in front of the TV.

"I want to go on a cruise," she said.

I pushed aside the mayonnaise.

"What is the attraction of a cruise?"

"I was watching a show about cruises and it looks like fun."

Wavering between changing the subject and feigning agreeable interest, I asked her how life on a cruise ship would be much different from how she lives at home.

She snorted. Sorta. You know, a girl snort.

"For starters, fresh ocean air, fabulous food, entertainment, things to do on the deck… I can't believe you asked me that."

I ate a grape.

"We have fresh air here. I make wonderful meals for you. And there are lots of things to do that you could never do on board a ship."

Flame rolled her blue eyes.

"How about having someone wait on you hand and foot? Need a can of sparkling water? A cute young guy in tight pants will get it for you. Want a special meal at an off- time? A different cute guy named Rodrigo will get it for you. Hand and foot…?

The truth is on my side. I reminder her of my view of how things are already.

"I already wait on you hand and foot. I'm the guy who has been going into the garage to get you a can of sparkling water. I admit the pants are not tight. But I'm a comfort guy and you knew it when you bought me. And I am also the guy who fixes you odd meals mid-morning on the weekends and at 8:37 p.m. when you suddenly realize you forgot to eat lunch and you are starving. That's me, your private chef."

"It isn't the same."

"How not so?"

"There are lots of interesting people and staff running around in uniforms and it is sort of like a big party,"

"So, you'd like 'staff'?

"You know what I mean."

"I think I do. Because you already have staff. Me!"

"I like the energy on a ship."

"You mean the way people are moving around in the TV commercial for a cruise."

"Yes, dummy. You know I haven't been on a cruise."

"Okay. Thinking about this. Those people are paid to look like they are having a good time. The reality is probably starkly different. No one is having a good time."

"it just looks exciting."

"Oh. That gives me a different picture. You think I'm boring."

"You said it. I didn't."

"How do you know I'm boring. When you ask for sparkling water, I bring it to chairside and you usually don't look up from your laptop computers reading the news. Your reach out one feminine hand and wiggle your index in the direction of the table next to you as an indication of where to put the bottle. How do you even know it is me bringing water? How do you know I am not standing next to you making weird faces at you while I wait for instructions.?

"You have a distinct footfall. I know it's you from the sound your feet make on the hardwood.

"Thank you. From now on, I will not be able to walk without thinking about that."

And sometimes you don't smell very good."

"Oh. I stink and I walk loud."

"I don't mean stink. I don't know what it is. Onions? Sweat?"

"Since I do all the cooking around there, it is probably a combination of the two, and possibly other things. Which reminds me. I am going to have my name legally change to "Honey".

"Why?"

"Because that's what I go by around here. Do you even remember my real name? If I am going to be Honey, I want it legal so my next wife won't have to try to come up with a cute nickname."

"I used to know it. Steve? No. I'll get it, don't tell me."

"Okay. There is a seasoned pork chop in there. Some old scraggly lettuce. Some old turkey soup…a few cheeses, some of that turkey dressing I just thawed and..that's about it."

"Do we have eggs? Or no. Wait. Do you have any of that barley and artichoke stuff left? Hmm. That doesn't sound good. Just bring me some soda crackers with butter. And make sure you put the butter all over the top of the cracker."

"That's your dinner?"

"I guess so. And some sparkling water."

NEXT ISSUE: Boy of Cooking actually cooks something.