Ever since I quit going bare foot I have had trouble with my big toe nails growing sideways. I have tried sandals, tenny runners, cowboy boots, logger boots, flip flops and slippers. I have tried cutting the horny beasts straight across, down the sides and soaking them in WD 40.

I have bought all kinds of nippers, clippers and chippers, rotary sanders, rat tail files, side cutters and carbur-um-dums.

Bending over and reaching them has lately become well nigh impossible so I have resorted to sneaking into women's finger nail parlors when no one I know is around to soak them in boiling water and have tiny Asian women whittle away at them.

I even tried wearing them down by aerating the lawn, but Elsbeth is no longer strong enough to drag me. It is pretty embarrassing for her to attend civic functions where she has to help me walk to the men's room and explain to friends why I have cut the toes out of my new Florsheims.

I never have trouble with the other piggies, not even the ones that love roast beef. Just the ones that go to market.

I got so much agony from stubbing them on the leg holding the corner of the bed and waking up the neighbor lady so she calls 911. She always looks for bruises when she sees Elsbeth in the yard the next day.

When I go shopping with Elsbeth I always take a stick to whack anyone getting near enough to step on my damaged digit.

It got so bad this week I could not swing a golf club with my normal fluid rhythm so I went to see Dr. Dan Greenan. He is a foot and ankle doctor and has seen a lot of pitiful cases. Yet I know he was in shock as he examined the remains of my damaged owee. He made little oh, oh noises and I thought I saw a sympathy tear drop from his cheek onto my outstretched gunboat.

But he set to work with a vengeance or similar tool and in a trice which he does not use very often he fixed my suffering big bonzo.

He smiled, swept up the shards of the Big Hurt and resisted my attempt to hug him. Probably because Elsbeth was sitting there.

What a great sense of relief not to have an aching toe. The whole world is rosy again.

Jerry promised to warn us in a general public announcement over radio and television and on Page One if they grow out again. Meanwhile, he can be reached at publisher@robinsonnews.com