I'm a Metronatural kinda guy. But it took me years to achieve Metronaturalness; a state of mind and body that allows your natural-self to come out in the city and your city-self to feel comfortable outdoors. When nature calls downtown, Metronaturalists - we like to call ourselves MN'ers - have no compunction stepping into an alley to take care of business. Likewise, when in the forest, MN'ers bring along all the comforts of home in their 60-foot Winnebago.

I hope the current 'Metronatural' campaign will bring more folks over to our way of life. For, sadly, most people do not accept us.

As an example, I once put my best REI camping gear in a backpack and hiked to Woodland Park Zoo, intent on spending the night in the African Savannah exhibit, just me and the lions - a Metronatural night under the stars. But the folks at the zoo would have none of it. You would think anyone who worked there would be in tune with their Metro-nature. They weren't. In fact, they called the police. This was my first encounter with the police department's anti-MN'er mentality. My most recent run-in with them happened last week. I had just thrown my grappling hook onto the top floor of Jefferson Square, intent on practicing my rock climbing skills, when they showed up in force. I was Tasered and ended up in Metro jail -naturally.

It's not just in the city that I've encountered anti-Metronatural prejudice. Last month I was in the wilderness, miles from town. It was a cloudless, starry-starry night; the constellations reflecting in the placid waters of an alpine lake. It came to mind that this natural night needed a bit of metro-ness. So I fired up my Coleman inflatable Boom Box, pointed my backpacker's inflatable satellite dish towards the sky, and projected MTV onto the surface of the lake. Madonna's voice echoed through the hills, 500 decibels of it. Oddly, the folks in the next campsite didn't appreciate it. Neither did the wilderness ranger, who wrote me a citation for disturbing the peace. I'm taking it to court next week. Metro District Court - naturally.

Hopefully the current spotlight on Metronaturalness will bring some awareness, and acceptability, to our way of life. There are more of us out there than you might think. Some camp on the greenbelt above I-5, and others may live in the house next door to you. So next time you encounter someone begging at a freeway off-ramp, or building a fire on a downtown street, try to think of them in a different light. For they have found the true meaning of Metronatural. Join us. Cast off the shackles of Metro-unnaturalness. Free your body and soul; run naked through the streets and experience life the Metronatural way.

Metronatural Marc Calhoun can be found hiding from police, err, via wseditor@robinsonnews.com

Marc Calhoun

A Metronatural Kinda Guy Page 1