I was waiting at the checkout counter at the supermarket this week and idly reading the front-page come-ons of the women's magazines. I was stunned by Cosmopolitan. It had a blaring headline: "What Every Man Wants In Bed."

The clerk was not ready for me so I got to thinking about that question. It was easy.

I know what I would like.

I'd really like a bag of Fritos. They are nice and crunchy even though my bride detests the noise and hates shaking shards of Fritos out of the sheet the morning.

Next, I would like a Mason jar full of hot water. My feet are always icy and Elsbeth screams if I slide even half a hoof over to touch her toasty tootsies.

Thirdly, a current copy of New Yorker magazine. I need a cartoon fix daily.

Fourth, I really appreciate a menthol Old Fisherman lozenge. My nose is always stuffed up and they are amazing. Though they taste awful.

And lastly, I would like to win at "last touch" before I drift off.

As I checked out, Elsbeth suddenly showed up with an armload of garments that had been on sale that she had to have.

She checked them out after showing me how much she saved and showed me the discount labels.

Then I showed her the magazine.

"That is easy," she said. "I don't speak for other women but I want a box of Kleenex, earplugs to protect me from your snaffling and other strange sounds, a good novel about courageous women who hold their men with sacrifice and great cooking. And I want the window open even in the icy depth of winter."

Then she spotted a tabloid newspaper that screamed that Barbara Bush hates daughter-in-law Laura and would like to scratch her eyes out.

She didn't buy the tabloid but asked the clerk if that stuff was not true how could they print it.

The clerk was not sure so I offered my humble opinion.

"Enough people buy that paper so the publishers can afford to hire a string of lawyers to defend the practice. But sometimes the offended subjects do sue and sometimes they have enough money to win."

Then Elsbeth said maybe Barbara hates Laura because she also has cold feet and he hogs the Mason jar full of hot water.

Then I checked out and Elsbeth said, "I see you bought a bag of Fritos. I'm sleeping on the davenport tonight".