I know. You have heard enough about in-laws and bossy parents from Dear Abby who has exhausted the subject. The other day I heard a woman tell an in-law story that was excruciating. She had come into her husband's life-to-face a mother-in-law who was certain that in-law relationships could never work. No matter how much she tried to show her appreciation it was never accepted. There must be some way to smooth such family relationships.

There still seems to be more concern over mothers-in-law than fathers-in-law. For a feminist to admit that mothers still rule the home is strange, I know. But there is a nesting instinct when a woman bears a child, suckles this child, and makes a special place for this child. With this said, I dare to enter the subject of in-laws and bossy parents with emphasis on the mother-in-law. Both our daughter-in-law and I have a tendency to irritate authority figures sometimes. As a mother authority figure I must now experience being the focus of such irritation. Likewise, my daughter-in-law must bear the jealousy that a mother-in-law may harbor toward any woman who has taken her son as a husband. I once said to my son's wife that I can never resign my position as mother-in-law. I hoped that this would open up how I felt about being this in-law person in her life.

In some societies the new wife must defer to the mother-in-law, acting as a virtual servant. In landed societies in which older members pass on property to the younger generation, younger family members bow to the wishes of the elders. In the old days, those who could not tolerate such parental power ran away from home. There are not such rigid patterns in western societies and the rules are, at times, unclear.

Newlyweds are caught in a time warp of establishing their own patterns within their own marriage while adjusting to the already established patterns of the extended family. There doesn't appear to be a rule book for all this so maybe I could write one if I can successfully wend my way through it all myself.

Can you imagine a young woman, an only child in her family, marrying our son who had three siblings, numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews? Overwhelming to say the least. Would this new person accept our raucous family game of pinochle and our sometimes intense political stance and liberal religious bent?

For many years, my husband and I extended an open invitation for members of our church denomination to visit our home. I have never been comfortable with outsiders in my space so I thought this would give me practice in sharing. I must admit that having strangers share our home for short periods of time was manageable and often times enjoyable. But sharing my son with a new person joining our family was a more personal challenge. Since writing is my way of working through problems, I began writing this column. After finishing it I got on the phone to my daughter-in-law. "Hello. This is Georgie. Do you have time to listen to an article I wrote? I won't send it in for publication until I get your feedback."

Getting no negative reaction I thought, "Maybe now I can resign as mother-in-law and become just friend." Tearing down the wall that sometimes separates in-laws may not be as dramatic as tearing down the Berlin wall, but the decision opens the way to in-laws becoming empathetic toward one another. Even with our grown children I can't rely on my age and place as head of the clan to allow me special treatment. This isn't Japan or the Old World. It is a world in which family status does not excuse behavior that appears uncalled for in the eyes of younger members of the clan. So I must shed my favored status as older member of our "tribe" and practice what I preach about equality before it is too late to make peace with the past. Here I come intending to be a friend and no longer an in-law, or a bossy mother to grown children. Bear with me as this may take some time to accomplish.

Georgie Bright Kunkel is a freelance writer and speaker who can be reached at gnkunkel@comcast.net or 935-8663.