What, no riding bicycles in the nude? What's next on the city's agenda, no screaming fire in crowded theaters or no spray painting racial or religious epithets on your neighbor's garage? Oh yeah, these are already illegal and not protected speech. So I guess I'll have to stick with issue at hand.

On the face - or cheek - of it the issue of making illegal nude riding of bicycles seems a no brainer. After all, having one's impressionable family or impressionable self confronted by an expanse of bare skin - some that's covering not very shapely bodies - mounted on a bicycle can be off putting to the most liberal among us. Such antics not only frighten the horses, it's unhygienic. Then there's the chaffing issue that can be serious even when appropriately attired in fashionable spandex or Lycra.

Now that the Seattle Parks Department has to grapple with this burning issue, I must join in the debate. So, here's my two cents worth.

Nudity, I'm sure we all agree, has its place. I'm all for nudity. There is something to be said for the nude figure. There's a LOT to be said for some nude figures. But nudes don't belong on bicycles unless they're part of an artful photo shoot or taking part in the Fremont Solstice Parade. These are two very acceptable nude venues in my opinion. But it pretty much stops there.

As we all know bicycling is already fraught, by its very nature, with a number of hazards. Subjecting more skin to potential road rash isn't prudent on its face.

Then there's the morality issue. Is it in any way possible to justify nude bicycling on the basis of morality? The most adept philosopher would be hard pressed to make this argument. After all, is it morally acceptable for a physical specimen replete with rippling muscles and firm curves to flaunt his or her charms to the remainder of us who may be challenged in the same areas? I don't think so, nor do I think that those who thoughtlessly parade their physical perfection would think so if they gave it a little thought. Have a little consideration is all I ask. Leave the imperfect among us some pride at the end of the day.

There's also a seeming unequal distribution of nude bicyclists. We recently saw this on local TV news, and we see it in Fremont. Men represent a disproportionate number of nude bicyclists. Why is this the case? I'm going to hazard a guess: men are vainer than women. We as a gender believe that we are, without question, more visually pleasing to the world. I don't get the point, but it appears to the case. To help in proving my point I ask that you look at clothing ads in some glossy magazines. There appears to be a uniformly superior facial expression among men. Women, on the other hand, appear malnourished and vulnerable. This may well explain men's willingness to expose themselves in their entire splendor without hesitation. Women on the other hand probably harbor doubts about their perfection. I periodically notice in myself a troubling notion that my place in the world is assured because I'm able to climb the toughest of hills on my bicycle when others are struggling. When I experience these thoughts, I reach up and give myself a vigorous but figurative slap. But I make these climbs while appropriately clothed, thus saving myself from those uncomfortable and unsightly chafe marks. Now where is the Parks Department supposed to go with their dilemma? Granted, they are contemplating designating some sections of beach as clothing optional. This has a balancing affect, and it also gives those who have been riding in the nude the opportunity to expose their chaffed skin to the healing rays of the sun while resting. But we then have to confront the abrasive qualities of sand. What this all boils down to is this: no one in the end will be satisfied with any decision the Parks Department comes up with. For example, I as a less than perfect specimen won't be happy if they decide that nude bicycling is ok because it will confirm that I'm not perfect because I'm unwilling to expose myself in all my imperfect glory to the confirming eyes of the public. If the Parks Department decides that it is not appropriate to ride in the nude, the current nude riders in all their perfection will be unhappy because they will have to depend on their word to persuade the rest of us that they're physically perfect. In the end, no one is happy. While you expose all of your charms to the sun, at least ride with a helmet and do so safely. And don't forget the sunscreen or, considering recent weather, forget the whole thing and curl up on the couch.