This recent tax season spurred on yet another garden analogy from Yours Truly. I realized, as gardeners, that we already pay taxes in our own way. I wonder if this could fly with the IRS?

Here’s what I have so far:
Garden Tax Filing Status – Choose one only.

1. New

2. Not so new and should know better

3. Knows better

Sales Taxes – You know those plant sales where you overbuy, or buy on impulse? Ya, you know what I mean. There were some plants that were definitely on your list, and you bought them for a particular spot – those usually go into the ground first.

But then there are the plants that you fell in love with at first sight, bought on impulse, and will “find a spot for it later." It is some of this group that invariably perish and die, either through hesitation, or unintentional neglect. Hey, they were new, and slipped your mind – a perfectly plausible reason, eh? Those dead ones are the sales tax that we pay a couple/few times a year.

Income Tax – You are very well acquainted with this one and you don’t even know it. This could easily be broken down into several sub-categories: Squirrel Tax, Mole Tax, Snail & Slug Tax, Aphid Tax… whatever you’d like to call it.

We’ve had to give up portions our trees, plants, flowers and lawns ever since we started gardening. I’ll never forget that day last summer when I saw Squirrel scamper away with my first fig from my new baby fig tree! Oh, the horror! I was really taxed then!

Adjusted Gross Income – When you rescue that giant Zucchini from Squirrel, and just cut off the couple of bite marks at the end, the portion that is cut off should be subtracted from your income total.

Use Tax – This tax could be called the “I Shoulda Tax” but the government would probably change the slang into something as equally as boring. Use Tax in the gardening world applies to that gaping hole in the middle of your perennial clump.

A variety of plants die in the middle if they don’t get divided in time. Normally it’s the ones that we put off because we like the looks and the rewards of a well-established perennial – only to discover a few weeks later that we should have divided it - we have just been taxed on using it. Groundcover Thyme, or Black-Eyed Susans are good examples.

[In]Corporate Tax – When you give up some of your perennial bed for a vegetable bed.

Excise Tax – When you plant something you know is just not going to work, but talk yourself into it because “It’s so pretty”.

Property Tax – The part of the garden we had to give up for a new extension on the house, a bigger deck, etc.

Investment Tax – Those wonderful flower bulbs we sink into the ground only to have Squirrel dig them up for his dinner.

I could go on but I think I need to call the IRS now.