A friend recently told me I was “completely unemployable.” He wasn’t insulting me, he was merely clarifying that my daydreaming about getting a JOB was merely that, a dream. Seeing as he is someone who chooses to work on a contract basis rather than as a fulltime employee, I listened rather than bristled when he said, “Part of you will die if you work for someone else.”
After our conversation I started to dissect my fantasy about getting a “real job” to see what that yearning was really about. I’ve been working for myself, from home, for ten years and until recently assumed I would always do so. Fear around money started to shift that assumption. This quickly spiraled into thinking a part time writing job, or on really bad days, any job with a steady paycheck and health insurance for my kids and I was desirable. The reminder that I felt as if my soul was dying when I worked for someone else not only snapped me back to reality, it got me out of a place of reacting due to fear to one of being proactive based on my hopes and dreams.
When I operate from a place of fear I compromise myself. Fear caused me to start applying for jobs that I didn’t want, that didn’t pay well, and that frankly I was over qualified for fifteen years ago. When these jobs didn’t even call me for an interview, that exacerbated the fear and caused me to second guess myself and my skills even further. Fortunately, this potential tsunami into despair was short lived and perspective crept in. I told myself to stop acting from a place of scarcity and lack and instead to take some time to sort out what it was that I really wanted.
“What do you want?” seems like a simple question to answer, but it’s really quite complicated. It requires that I silence all of the voices I’ve heard over the years that have told I can’t have what I want. I am enough of an individualist to be able to ignore or at least want to rebel against other people telling me I can’t have what I want. The voice that tripped me up the most was my own. Once again, fear had paralyzed me to such a place that I didn’t even know what I wanted, but I was damn sure I couldn’t have it. Fortunately, the same person who told me I was unemployable also said, “I hereby authorize Corbin Lewars to have it all.”
I let those words settle in for a few days and sure enough the answer to what I wanted started coming to me clearly and easily. One of my desires was for more financial security. With the scarcity fear killed off, I stopped searching online for jobs and instead let myself fantasize about my ideal work situation. My ideal schedule used to comprise of most of my time devoted to writing, but those priorities have recently shifted for me. After a day of writing, or rather emailing and pretending I was writing, I was exhausted and guilt ridden. The days I taught or met with clients left me feeling inspired and proud of the work that I had done. Throw in the fact that my actual writing earns me very little, but teaching and coaching others on writing is where the majority of my income comes from and the “what do I want?” answer became very clear.
Rather than thinking the only way I could have financial security was through a JOB, I started to believe I could have it through work that I enjoyed and that fulfilled me. I increased my teaching schedule and for the first time, started to think about how I could attract more coaching clients. My clients had always found me, but now that I was willing to devote more time and energy to coaching, I wanted to build my client base. I let that fantasy grow to one where I saw clients back to back in a beautiful setting that was not my home or a coffee shop, the usual places I met people.
A few days later a friend mentioned she too was fulfilling her dream by renting space in the Carnegie Library to grow her business. This seed germinated in my psyche as I nonchalantly emailed the manager of the building to ask if she needed more tenants. The stars aligned and she said yes she did for the exact day and time I wanted. All was well, and then I freaked out.
“Most of my clients aren’t even in Ballard nor do they need to meet with me face to face. I can continue doing the work from home just like I have been,” I told my therapist. 
“But do you want the space?” she asked.
When I babbled on about not needing it, she interrupted me with, “I didn’t ask you if you needed it, because you can rationalize yourself out of needs. I asked you if you wanted it.”
“Yes,” I said.
“Then you should have it.”
I signed the lease the following day.
Whenever I panicked or second-guessed my decision, I thought of the movie Field of Dreams. “Build it and they will come,” became my mantra along with, “I can have it all.”
This past weekend I celebrated the opening of the library space with my fellow seven tenants. While chopping food, setting out wine, and lighting candles I met most of the tenants for the first time and learned about their businesses. Much to my delight, almost every one of them is following the “Build it and they will come” philosophy. This validates that I am not alone in my optimism. Even better, working in the same area as these Field of Dreamers reassures me that if and when fear creeps in again, I will have support in sequestering it.

Corbin Lewars is the author of Creating a Life: The memoir of a writer and mom in the making, which has been nominated for the 2011 PNBA and Washington State book awards. Her essays have been featured in over twenty-five publications including, The Seattle PI, Mothering, and Hip Mama. She has been a writing coach and instructor for over fifteen years and currently sees clients in the old Carnegie Library Building in Ballard. Contact her for details.