By Pat Cashman

Millenial, noun.

           1.   A person reaching young adulthood in the early 21st Century.

    •    A person who is ruining things for everybody else.

I heard a song on the radio yesterday called The Living Years.  A group called Mike and the Mechanics had a small hit of it almost thirty years ago---making what I like to think of as a contemporary song, in fact, an oldie. The opening lyrics are: 

    “Every generation blames the one before…

    And all of their frustrations come beating on your door.”

It’s true enough. Going back to the start of mankind, the Neanderthals thought the chimpanzees that came before them were nothing but monkeys.

The Palaeolithic Era was full of folks who bragged about being the cool Stone Agers. But then along came the Neolithic upstarts of the New Stone Age---with their fancy hammerstones and hand-axes. And they loved to brag about the things they were doing with fire---like keeping warm, forging metal---and making fondue. Once the wheel was invented---and it’s unique shape was fully realized---pizza was not far behind.

But now the generation taking most of the heat is the ‘The Millenials’---roughly the group of people born between 1981 and 2000. The Gen X’ers, with fewer teeth, less hair and diminishing skin tone are their parents. And the Baby Boomers---characterized by their complaining and stooping---are their grandparents.

There’s been a lot said and written about Millenials lately---some of it so unflattering you’d think they were the cause of heat rash, bunions and scabies. But I know for a fact they had nothing to do with scabies. Those are the fault of my great uncle. (I’ll save that story for another occasion.)

Millenials are characterized as lazy, entitled narcissists. Even millenials will describe themselves that way. But it’s hard to prove they are any more lazy, entitled or narcissistic than any other lazy, entitled, narcissistic generation.

There’s a growing list of things that Millenials are blamed for destroying---things that other generations hold dear. Like breakfast cereal. Millenials say it’s too much work to have a bowl of cereal---requiring that one clean the bowl and spoon afterward. Plus the contradiction of Grape Nuts offends them---the cereal contains neither grapes or nuts.

But it’s not like breakfast food companies haven’t done their best to woo Millenials with loads of healthy choices like Sugar-Sprinkled Twinkies; Marshmallow Pebbles -- and Hershey’s Cookies and Cream cereals. Yet, despite such doctor-recommended choices, Millenials don’t buy them. (Plus, many of them say that Cap’n Crunch scratches the roofs of their mouths.)

It is said that Millenials are also responsible for falling sales in the bar soap industry. They say that “bacteria” is spread on bars of soap. Bacteria? Oh, come on! Let’s call it what is is: hair. Specifically the kind that comes from elsewhere than the human head. 

 To a Millenial, the sight of pubic hair---someone else’s---on a bar of Ivory or Dove is more nauseating than a fully-loaded diaper. And this doesn’t even begin to address the knotty problem of chafing from soap-on-a-rope. (See Cap’n Crunch from above.) Unrelated but notable, a college roommate of mine---Ed “Stenchy” Stenchman---also disdained bar soap, roped or otherwise. 

Other raps against the Millenial Generation include declining sales of diamonds. Some say it’s because of the questionable ethics of how such gems are mined. But others say it’s a personal hangup about Tom Shane.

Millenials are also not buying napkins anymore. Perhaps it’s because they can boast of being able to eat French Dip sandwiches with greater skill than previous generations. But it turns out that Millenials are actually just substituting napkins with paper towels. With millenials, the Brawny Man beats the scrawny man every time.

Sports such as the Olympics are also losing their 18 to 49 year old audience. To recapture their interest, the Olympic committee is reportedly thinking about adding new millenial-aimed events to the 2020 summer games: The Super Mario Bros’ Steeplechase; Angry Birds’ gymnastics---and Donkey Kong synchronized swimming.

Millenials are even turning away from the sport of golf---despite the popular appeal of cursing and throwing things. 

Yet, it seems to my daughter---herself a millenial---that her age group, and the people in it, are getting maligned unjustly. “I know that my personal ambitions and goals are no different than any other generation,” she says passionately. “I believe in commitment, determination and perseverance. I want to reach for the stars and work hard to make this world a brighter and better place than it has ever been. I aim to make that happen by being positive-thinking, highly motivated and utterly determined.”

Then, after a moment, she added, “Unless I win the lottery. Then you can forget all that other crap.”

That’s my millenial.

pat@patcashman.com

Pat was a longtime cast member and writer on the KING 5 TV show, Almost Live---considered by millenials as the Hoarders of its time. 

He is a keynote speaker---and a fundraiser auctioneer---plus he co-hosts a weekly on-line talk show: www.Peculiarpodcast.com