Civil rights attorney and gay activist Abby Dees was just in town from L.A. to promote her new book, Queer Answers Straight Talk. Its subtitle is 108 frank & provocative questions it's OK to ask your lesbian, gay, or bisexual loved one.
Some can be humorous, like, "Is there a reason lesbians are handier with a socket wrench?" and "Why does it seem like all lesbians have cats and gay men have little matching dogs?" More serious questions include, "With all the other problems in the world right now, can't gay and lesbian rights wait a bit? Is it really as important as things like poverty, global warming and racism?"
Dees writes that her book "is your permission slip to put an end to the awkward silence (…) We live in a world where the default setting is always heterosexual. If that is not you, then you've got to (nicely, I hope) tell folks that you are not actually heterosexual. Or choose to stay silent."
We asked three prominent advocates who live in West Seattle to weigh in on the book's premise. How do those who believe they are gay or lesbian and choose not to remain silent speak up to their families, friends and co-workers? And what reaction should they expect, and respect?
The book is not so much a question and answer guide as it is a resource of how to have these touchy conversations with loved ones without all hell breaking loose, both in places like "progressive" Seattle, with its large gay population, as well as Middle America where gay society is more hidden and generally less acceptable.
Fauntleroy resident Anne Melle
Fauntleroy resident Anne Melle, 88, raised two gay sons. She pioneered the national PFLAG organization, or "Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays" and helped host Abby Dees as guest speaker at the Seattle PFLAG Chapter at the Seattle First Baptist Church on Capitol Hill. Melle and Dees had a conversation before the meeting.
"Fathers say, 'It's all my fault because I hugged and kissed my kids too much, and mothers say, 'It's all my fault because I smothered my kids too much," Melle observed. She believes being gay is not a "fault" and maintains that her sons' sexuality was a blessing, not a curse. "They were always able to understand things about life that straight men could never comprehend. It is like having an additional sense."
Melle proudly wears a prominent yellow button stating "I am a PFLAG Mom". We did an article on her family and PFLAG last year here:
"As soon as I walk into the Thriftway (grocery store) at the Morgan Junction young gay men come up to me and ask, 'If I gave you a hug, would you be upset?'" said Melle proudly. "Lesbians say, 'There's a PFLAG mom!' They just hug me and don't even ask."
Dees seemed delighted by Melle's responses. She warned, however, that even in progressive communities she finds some folks to be complacent with the equal rights struggle of the LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer) community.
"Those of us who are gay and lesbian, if our friends in our community are pretty, you know, 'rainbow-ish', it's easy (for them) to forget about our struggle for equality and justice," Dees said. "There were people at a PFLAG meeting I attended in West L.A. dealing with the issues of coming out as if there were no other gay people on the planet and they were the first ones. Even in West Hollywood, which I'd compare to Capitol Hill, there are religious, ethnic, and cultural considerations that prevent understanding. It is what they are carrying with them, in any community.
"The message of my book is to not immediately write those people off who seem intolerant," said Dees. "Don't think, 'You're a homophobe. You're never going to get it.' You might be very surprised by who is your ally and who isn't there yet. It might turn out that they stand by you when the stakes get high."
King County Council member Joe McDermott
New census data shows West Seattle's same-sex partners living together increased 55 percent since the 2000 census, and some now coin us "Capitol Hill West". King County Council member and West Seattle resident Joe McDermott is an outspoken advocate fighting for marriage equality in Washington State.
"I think that West Seattle is appealing to gay and lesbian couples for the same reasons it is appealing to so many people," he told the West Seattle Herald. "It has great housing, local businesses, recreation, and is a progressive place. As more people come out, more know somebody, a close friend or family member, who is out.
"My family and my community were very accepting when I (first) shared my orientation," McDermott said. "I have found that not to be a concern. I've certainly found PFLAG in any number of circumstances to be great, a very supportive organization that helps particularly families understand what it's like having a gay or lesbian family member when they first learn that about a loved one.
"Initially, your thoughts, dreams and expectations for your kids can change dramatically," he said, once a parent is confronted by a gay child. "These expectations could be about employment, grandkids, and safety, both physical and health. That's understandable. PFLAG helps navigate all those issues. In many cases their concerns are driven by stereotypes."
One question Queer Questions Straight Talk asks is, "How should I introduce your partner to other people?"
McDermott, who lives with his domestic partner, responded, "If someone I run into asks about my 'friend', I would reference my 'partner'", he said. "I would not necessarily correct somebody but would work a word in. I would use conversation, not confrontation. That's my style in a lot of things in life."
Josh Friedes, Director, Marriage Equality for Equal Rights Washington
"Our heterosexual peers should be encouraged to ask questions, and members of the LGBTQ community should be clear we are always happy to answer them, and understand they have the best intent when questions are being asked," said Josh Friedes, an Alki resident, and Director of Marriage Equality for Equal Rights Washington (ERW) a statewide political advocacy organization for the LGBTQ community that works to promote dignity, safety, and equality.
"Most of the time when (straight) people ask questions they are doing it out of the sincere desire to learn," he added. "On the rare occasion when they are not, if you listen closely, you can find commonality and direction of greater acceptance. With the advocacy work that ERW does, we often use the 'LARA' method- listen, affirm, respond, and add information.
"So if somebody says, 'I don't support gay marriage because I am worried about children,' I would listen carefully to that statement. What I hear first is a concern about children. I affirm by saying that I too care deeply about the welfare of children. We have that in common. I respond by telling them in personal terms about gay friends who are raising children and how wonderful they are, and if you saw, you too would see how gays make wonderful parents. Then I'd add information by pointing out that the Academy of Pediatrics and the American Psychological Association not only recognize that gays make wonderful parents, but children grow up to be just as well-adjusted as those raised by heterosexual parents."
Josh Friedes encourages everyone to click "Like" on Equal Rights Washington's Facebook page.
Queer Questions Straight Talk is available on Amazon.com & barnesandnoble.com., and has its own Facebook page.
