By Scott Anthony

Here at the Organic Dog Ranch, Mrs. Anthony is known around the house as ‘The Punisher’. It’s not because she slaps my hand when I reach for a forth cookie from the jar, but for her brutal nature with exercise machines. As for me, I usually claim that the carpentry work I do is what keeps me toned up, but mostly, just pushing 50 is enough exercise for me. When The Punisher slips into her lycra leotard, the sweet, demure little thing I married turns into an Olympic Triathlete. Aerobic rider, the Roman chair, a universal mini-gym, stair stepper, exercise bike, free weights, a cabinet full of tapes with names like ‘Taebo Billy’ ‘Killer Abs in 30 Days’ and ‘Buns of Platinum’, when it comes to exercise equipment, we have almost all of it now, but over the years, there has been some attrition. It began innocently enough. A cast-off stationary bike at a garage sale. She broke it in two months. Bent the pedals right off of it. We upgraded to a newer, store-bought bike. This one lasted a year before she ripped the straps off the tops of the pedals. Then there was the Aerobic rider we got as a gift from the folks. She wore the rubber wheel down in a few months, rubber shavings all over the floor. The folks gave us their own, matching unit and Mrs. A rode that one until it squeaked so badly the neighbors called to ask if we’re raising ostriches. So I was used to the pattern when, while reading the Sunday paper, she said brightly, ‘Here’s a good deal on an Elliptical Rider.’

I had no idea what this was, except that I would soon be lugging it into the house. Out driving through town last week, Mrs. A slapped me on the arm, saying, “Pull in here!” The sign said, ‘Home Fitness Outlet’ and it’s right on Pac Highway across from the storage place. Through the big windows, you can see a lot of the equipment from the street and this, apparently, is like candy to Mrs. Anthony.

Inside we met Darren Kupfer, the owner. He asked Mrs. A a couple of questions and pretty soon she was testing out a sleek, german-made cross-trainer. I never realized that there are differences between machines, and Darren ably pointed them out. “This model has a full-functioning computer with a number of different programs, the one that you’re testing now is a scaled-down version, but essentially the same machine.” I liked that part right away. Darren knows his stuff too. I soon learned that besides this store, he has another one in Puyallup and he specializes in high-end exercise equipment of all types. He is also the winner of the 1993 Emerald Cup for Bodybuilders, a website that I found shows his pictures with the tagline, ‘One of the better-known lightheavyweights in the Pacific Northwest, and also one of the more symmetrical.’

This guy was serious about weight training and exercise. Turns out, Darren offers personalized training right there in the store. He told us about a couple of ladies in their late fifties who had signed on, one of whom had to use a wheelchair. According to Darren, that lady lost 25 pounds, no longer needs the chair and is getting stronger every visit. The other lady lost nearly 50 pounds and will compete in a Washington State Bodybuilding Contest this summer. Mrs. A was beginning to work up a pretty good sweat while Darren outlined the services he offers. “I really believe in all-around fitness. I use a 3-legged chair as an example. One leg is nutrition, one leg is sleep and one is the workout…you take out one leg, the table falls over.” With every Gym set he sells, Darren gives the new owner a free workout session and will do an outline program for each member of your house. Pretty neat. By now, Mrs. A had stopped and had flopped into a seat in the corner, sweating, which she normally doesn’t do. Pointing at the barely-bothered elliptical rider that had temporarily conquered her, I said, “I think we’ll be taking that one.”

Darren delivers for free within twenty miles of his shop, and for a modest fee he will assemble whatever you buy from him. He brought the big box a couple of days later and while I wheezed my way up the stairs on one end of it, Darren easily handled the other, saying, “Customer service is important.” He promised to call in a few days to see how we liked our new purchase.

It’s been over a week now since I’ve had the nicely-made unit assembled (took me about 40 minutes) and it’s just right in the corner of the master suite in front of the TV. When Mrs. A is using it, it hardly makes a noise (unlike the terrible stair-stepper) and I decided that I had to try it. Watching a show on PBS, after ten minutes, I almost forgot I was exercising. This is good. Darren assured me that the warranty is excellent, so I’m not too concerned, even though The Punisher is still a formidable foe.