By Kyra-lin Hom

Unless someone gives you extremely specific, play-by-play instructions, there is no such thing as a perfect gift. There is no infallible checklist, no users' guide, and certainly no set amount of money you have to spend. It is, in fact, this very freedom that makes us flounder. We scour the internet and implore everyone we know, hunting for hints about what might be the proper way to do this thing. Because while there is no perfect way, anyone who has ever given or received a bad gift knows that there is definitely a wrong way.

The most common mistakes in gift giving are self-centeredness, a failure to communicate, getting too fixated on a theme, or just plain over-thinking. The best gift givers instinctively navigate these minefields like bomb sniffing dogs. The rest of us need to tread a bit more carefully.

That first pitfall is obvious and yet so often missed. When we don't know what someone wants, we often turn to our most familiar frame of reference, ourselves. Unfortunately what we want (or what we want to give someone) isn't the same as what they want. Crazy, I know. I, for one, love practical gifts. They save me money and don't clutter up my limited space. So I occasionally make the error of giving practical gifts as well – something not everyone appreciates. A couple years ago, I even made the mistake of giving a friend a self-help book. I truly do not recommend doing that. From me to you, just plain don't.

As Russell Belk, an expert on consumer behavior, advises: the best gift is “a luxury.” It is something that your giftee wants, or would want, but would never buy for themselves (for any number of reasons).

Accidental (or incidental) selfish gift giving happens because of pitfall number two, communication. If you don't know what to get someone then ask them. If your giftee likes to be surprised then listen. I guarantee someone who cares enough to want that special something will be dropping hints like crazy. For another approach, consider discerning their love language.

Proposed by Gary D. Chapman, a “love language” is the method by which a person expresses and understands affection. Chapman says there are five: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts and money, time, and physical touch. If you want to show someone you care, find out their love language and plan accordingly (resources available online).

Finally, it's time to narrow down your options and pick just that one thing. And here's where those last two pitfalls, fixating and over-thinking, can derail even the best laid plans. For example, just because someone likes Clint Eastwood doesn't mean they want a book listing the cast and crew of every film he ever directed (a gift I have actually received...). This gift went wrong because my friend both over-thought and fixated on the Eastwood theme without considering why I liked his movies. I would have been just as happy with a poster as a book dissecting the evolving portrayals of masculinity. He was both so close and yet so far.

That question of 'why' is the gift giver's secret weapon. It's not nearly as straightforward to figure out as we might wish, but whoever does manage it is destined to give great gifts for as long as they live. After all, what is a great gift but an expression of how much you care for and appreciate and how well you understand the person to whom you are gifting?