By Kyra-lin Hom

As every Hallmark card proclaims, the holiday season is a time for families and feel goods. But the rest of us know that those things don't always come so easy. Forced dysfunctional family gatherings are even common fodder for many a comedy or drama. You know the trope: shove a bunch of grudge-bearing people who barely like each other into close quarters then sit back and watch the fires ignite. And though few of us are at those Weasley (before book seven) vs. Lannister levels of extreme, the point still stands: holiday stress is a real thing.

Holiday stress – and let's define that as only the stress resulting directly from events related to the winter holidays – is a type of acute stress. This is as opposed to chronic stress. For a quick example, think of chronic stress as ongoing financial problems and acute stress as a sudden car crash. Acute stress is manageable. Researchers at UCLA (Neff & Karney) found that the degree to which acute stress affects relationships is only significant when it compounds upon chronic stress. That is, no one instance of acute stress is going to damage your relationship. But one instance of acute stress on top of chronic stress might end in someone sleeping on the couch.

That's because there really is truth to 'the last straw' metaphor. 'Nothing fights' don't happen if both parties are calm, content and happy individuals. Someone blowing up over, oh...let's say whether or not we need to prune our house plant is not just about the house plant.

Yet it's very important to distinguish between a relationship under stress and a person (or persons) under stress. That situation with the house plant I mentioned above didn't come about because my boyfriend and I have deep-seated relationship problems. It happened because it's finals' week and he is in law school. Did I need him to take care of his plant at that very moment. Nope. Could I have chosen a better time to prod him about it? Absolutely. And I would expect the same regard from him.

Further UCLA research implies that the effects of an acute stressor can be mitigated by having sufficient resources in reserve. By resources they mean time, money, brain power – just about anything you need to be a socially functional human being. In other words, if you, your partner or your family's resources are stretched thin, an unexpected acute stressor can do more damage because there is less room for error.

So if you have the rare luxury of knowing an acute stressor is on the way (say, for example, the holidays), give yourself and your family some wiggle room. Schedule more time to clean, decorate, cook, shop and just plain spend with your loved ones than you think you'll need. Consider implementing something called “agile family programming,” a quick and effective system of checklists and feedback meetings that keeps everyone on the same page (google: Bruce Feiler's TED Talk).

When Ellen Galinsky of the Families and Work Institute asked 1,000 children what they would change about their parents, the majority wished that their parents would be less stressed and less tired. Now isn't that a holiday wish we should honor?