“New Year Ponderings”

A newspaper writer in my hometown was as predictable as a tunnel-digging budget shortfall. As the end of the year approached---every year---he would inevitably write his annual “Predictions for the year to come” column. It was a boring, tired cliché that he fell back on again and again.

That’s why I’m doing it here---as a tribute to him.

Some people may question my qualifications for predicting the future. Fair point. I’m not even that good at predicting the past. Perhaps prognostication should be left to the experts---such as right-wing radio hosts.
Even Cisco Morris---the guy who gives gardening tips---is likely better suited to forecast the year ahead: “Oo la la,” he might say. “If you prune too early, you could wind up killing the tree!”

And I say, if you prune a plum tree too early, won’t you wind up with prunes and not plums?

Forecasting anything is difficult. Even TV meteorologist Jeff Renner messes up occasionally. For example, he got the December 24th weather forecast dead on---but then was later heard telling another KING 5 colleague, “I predict I would destroy Dennis Bounds in leg-wrestling.”

Later, as everyone knows by now, Bounds defeated him easily---and quickly.

And so did Lori Matsukawa.

In fact, even the famous Nostradamus had mixed success. Although he lived in medieval times, some believe he foresaw the important discoveries of Louis Pasteur---the great London Fire in 1666---and even the French Revolution. But Nostradamus’s staunchest advocates conveniently forget that he also predicted the Seahawks would go 3 and 13 last year.

Doh, NostraDOHmus!

Nonetheless, here are my daring predictions for 2015:
A new study will find that it isn’t fat, cholesterol, sugar, alcohol, nicotine or caffeine that’s bad for you. It’s water. Water is making people obese. Eliminate water and watch the pounds fall off. This prediction is based on sound science and the delirium that comes from dehydration.

Also, the big talk in professional baseball won’t be steroids anymore. It’ll be hemorrhoids. It will explain why few ballplayers in the sport are willing to slide anymore.

Plus, the long sad story of the old ferry Kalakala will finally have a happy ending---as it is
attached seamlessly to the Experience Music Project. It will appear to have been there all along.

Enough with the predictions. Let’s talk about resolutions.

Two years ago, my New Year’s resolution was to go an entire year without a doughnut.
I had no exceptions. No bear claws, butter horns or Danishes could slide by. Anything that could be found at a Krispy Kreme location was off-limits. I called it The Year Without a Doughnut---and I succeeded.

On January 1st---after a full year of doughnut deprivation---I scurried to Top Pot for a maple bar. It was…Nirvana.

The following year, it was The Year Without French Fries. It was more difficult than the doughnut resolution, but I did it. Not even Mexi-Fries or Tater-tots sneaked through.
After a year, New Year ‘s Day arrived and I ordered French fries at a nearby hamburger joint. I ate one, then another. As the Rolling Stones said, I couldn’t get “no satisfaction. Uh, no, no, no.” French fries are now dead to me.

But with 2015 looming, a new challenge is at hand---and I am uncertain about what to do.
No beer for a year? Inconceivable.
No TV for a year? Un-American.
No cursing for a year? Impossible. At least not while I’m doing home fix-it projects.
No red meat for a year? Yea. Maybe. It would a noble thing.

Actually, I tried that one before---and on January 2nd found myself unwittingly eating a triple cheeseburger. With some jerky---and beef stroganoff. I’d probably fail again.
How about no kumquats for a year? That’s it! I’ve hit upon it!
The Year Without a Kumquat!
And then, in 2016, I resolve to find out what a kumquat is.

pat@patcashman.com
You can catch Pat's act on The 206 which airs on KING5 TV Saturday's after Saturday Night Live.