By Pat Cashman

A few months ago in this space I wrote about the side effects that come with certain medications and other products. This column is sort of a part two of that---although if this one seems even more incoherent than usual---and has some occasional werds that are misprelled---there is good reason.

I have taken a new medicine that my doctor prescribed yesterday---and it is loaded with possible side effects.

For one thing, it may possibly make me feel dizzy. Especially if taken while on a merry-go-round. It might also make me feel sleepy---particularly if taken while watching a televised Seattle City Council meeting.
It warns that I should not drive a car after taking the medication---but doesn’t say anything about driving a truck, motorcycle or bus---so I figure I’ll still be able to get around.

But beyond that, I’m supposed to avoid working with machines. So I’ve had to reluctantly tell my wife that as long as I’m taking this stuff, I won’t be able to operate a washing machine, clothes iron or vacuum cleaner.

Another possible side effect is that I may experience short-term memory loss. Not only that, but short-term memory loss is a possible side effect as well. She, in turn, warned me about receiving a head injury.
Weight gain is sometimes listed as a side effect on packages. Shouldn’t weight gain also be listed on the sides of beer cans and packages of lard? For that matter, shouldn’t EVERY product we buy include a list of potential side effects? Why should only medications be singled out?

Salted peanuts: May cause increased thirstiness.

Sewing needles: May cause shooting pain, especially when sat upon.

Ball caps: Possible side effects may include making hair take the shape of cap.

Vinyl shoes: May cause feet to smell so bad that birds will drop from the sky.

Cheetos: Could make user look like they’re wearing cheap lip-gloss.

Gasoline: Price may cause eyes to bulge and veins in neck to stick out.

Bananas: Carelessly discarded peel may cause slippage.

Pants: May cause butt to look big.

Butt: May cause pants to look small.

But until full disclosure is included on ALL products, it will mostly be prescription drugs that have to follow such rules. Have you noticed how every medicine you see advertised on TV these days, spends a few seconds discussing how swell the product is---and the rest of the time giving you lots of reasons you shouldn’t take it?

“You may have headaches, nausea, blurry vision, swelling, dry mouth, diarrhea---and trouble sleeping.” Of course I have trouble sleeping. I’m worrying about all that other stuff.

I once imagined a commercial that isn’t such a stretch from a real one. There would be thoughtful piano music playing underneath:
“I don’t know when I first noticed it…but something just didn’t feel right. So, I went to see my doctor. That’s when he said the word I hoped I would never hear: Galbrofornasoplasia.

I couldn’t believe I was hearing that word: Galbrofornasoplasia. I didn’t know what it meant---and my doctor didn’t really say what it was. But it had me worried.

That’s when my doctor prescribed Phenostrene D.L. Within a few days my original symptoms were gone---and were replaced by a ringing in my ears and severe itching.
So I went back to my doctor.

He prescribed Fluckotate Berizone. Before long, the ringing in my ears and itching had disappeared---and were replaced by a hacking cough, runny eyes and skin eruptions.
So I went back to my doctor.

He prescribed Shexachloride-Peradine 3000.
I seemed to tolerate Shexachloride-Peradine 3000 quite well---but the nauseating taste was very unpleasant.
That’s when my doctor told me that Shexachloride-Peradine 3000 was actually an ointment. He told me to stop eating it.

He switched me to Once-a-day, low sodium, high magnesium, Chlorosplar A.B.
Within just a few hours, I was bleeding from the ears and eyes---and was experiencing severe tremors and crushing chest pains.

That’s when my doctor recommended Mutashmeel Trankenzole---a two-foot long suppository.

And that, your honor, is why I shot my doctor.”