by Pat Cashman

A couple of weeks ago, the big company Toys r us made the momentous decision to pull a particular collection of toys off their shelves. They were six-inch figurines depicting characters from the TV show Breaking Bad---which is not a program about the Three Stooges stacking dishes in a china shop.

In short, Breaking Bad is a crime drama involving drugs, guns and murder---not the kind of thing likely to show up on Saturday morning TV in between Yogi Bear and Sponge Bob Square Pants.

The offending toys available at Toys r us included action figures of Bad’s main characters (drug makers and dealers) wearing yellow hazmat suits---and carrying little bags of cash and crack cocaine. Not exactly the same as Yogi and Boo-Boo carrying pic-a-nic baskets.

So after a Florida mom got together 9,000 protest signatures, Toys r us decided to yank the offending action figures. And now there are other groups of people not so crazy about the line of Kardashian figures also being sold---while other groups are decrying everything from Barbie dolls to violent games.
Also on the store racks are Lego Terrorist mini-figures---just the thing for growing minds. And, no, I am not kidding---it’s a real toy.

On the other hand, there is also the Airport Security Play Set (also real)---including mini-metal detector and screener, along with a tiny TSA staffer standing by to wand passenger figurines. But mostly, you’d suppose, the play set is simply to teach kids about standing in long lines. That way they’ll be ready for those future days at the DMV.

Other questionable toys include a breast-feeding baby doll; a homeless doll from American Girl---and the Vermont Teddy Bear company’s offering of the “Crazy For You” plush toy: a bear in a strait-jacket. Don’t need to imagine how that one’s going over with mental health advocates.

The C.S.I. TV shows have inspired a kids’ C.S.I. Fingerprint Examination Kit. After all, there are probably lots of moms and dads that routinely watch shows like CSI Miami with their grade-schoolers, before sending them off to bed. I’m guessing the autopsy kit is coming.

In their defense, the words “for kids” is nowhere in the Toys r us name. But then, there are other kinds of toy stores for adults. I don’t know what kinds of toys they sell in such places, but I know people that do.
I suppose there are some folks that think that any and all kids toys should be banned---even those that have been around for awhile:

After all, don’t potato guns encourage violence---and send the “wrong message” to kids about the proper use of their food? Not to mention the way Mr. And Mrs. Potato Head demean the same vegetables.
My dad once found himself unable to walk for a week after he stepped barefoot onto a set of jacks my kid brother left on the floor.
And a 12-dollar croquet set can ruin a 300-hundred dollar lawnmower instantly.

Meanwhile, what kind of insensitive parents would buy their kids toys with characters named Bozo, Dumbo, Goofy---or Daffy Duck? That’d be stupid.

Winnie the Pooh may be a time-honored children’s storybook character---but what’s to be made of a toy called Baby’s First Pooh? (Again, I’m not making that up.)

If parents think some toys like Breaking Bad figurines are dangerous to young minds, what about some of the toys guys my age grew up with---things not just dangerous to the mind, but the body?
The Thingmaker was a cooker in which kids poured liquid rubber---only slightly cooler than the sun.
Another, the Mattel Vac-u-form, got hot enough to let a kid melt plastic---forming molds to make nearly anything. Maybe even other Vac-u-forms.

In fact, not only was there was a gadget called the Easy Bake Oven (hot enough to bake cakes), but another called the Empire Little Lady Stove that reportedly reached temperatures of up to 600 degrees. (We have an actual oven in our house that only goes to 550.)

So with Christmas on the near horizon, perhaps it’s wisest to go with the one safe toy that guarantees joy and good will to every recipient of every age---and yet operates using nothing more volatile than good old air.
Give the gift of a Whoopee Cushion.

But better hurry before a petition starts up.

Pat Cashman can be contacted at pat@patcashman.com