By Pat Cashman

There is a rest stop near Ellensburg that we always seem to stop at when traveling east of the mountains. I don’t know who planned the location, but it seems to be positioned exactly in the right place at the right time. And the right time usually comes after a tall coffee or two.

There is nothing particularly interesting about the men’s lavatory---but the female facility has a spectacular juxtaposition of two small signs affixed to the door. Together, they make for an unwitting and provocative statement: WOMEN. SLIPPERY WHEN WET.

It’s fun discovering things like that---little glints of gold that sometimes emerge from an unlikely pan of sand.
Someone recently sent me a link to such splendid mis-signage---and here are just a few of the gems:
TOILET ONLY FOR DISABLED EDLERLY PREGNANT CHILDREN. That particular toilet must not have many qualified users.

Bathrooms seem to be hubs for weird signs. Like this one:
HISTORIC BUILDING: NO PAPER TOWELS OR FEMININE PRODUCTS OR SOCKS IN THE TOILET! Hard to know if that included all socks from low-cut sport to knee-length. And the sign does not even address pants.

There is an intriguing hand-made cardboard sign spotted in a middle school bathroom in Honolulu that warns: DO NOT PEE HERE. PLEASE GO TO THE GRASS.

And I saw this one in a public restroom---an outhouse actually---at a park near Winthrop: PLEASE DO NOT THROW THINGS DOWN THE TOILET. THEY ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO GET BACK OUT. The sign was likely put there by the person who’s job it is to get those things out.
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It’s so refreshing when a problem comes with an easy solution.

One of my favorite downtown parking garages has a warning that reads: LOW OVERHEAD CLEARANCE. My wife always thinks it’s an advertisement for a sale.

Speaking of sale signage, I saw a handwritten one not long ago ballyhooing a big CLOSE OUT SAIL.
Here’s a dandy of misconstruction: NO SMOKING AT ENTRANCE WAY. VIOLATORS WILL BE TRESPASSED. No one wants that to happen just for having a cigarette.

A sign someone spotted in Columbus, Ohio: VIOLATORS WILL BE TOWED AND FIND $50. How about that? Bad news and good news all in one warning.

A similar version is: ILLEGALLY PARKED CARS WILL BE FINE.
And this one: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

Another dandy is a door with a sign on it that reads THIS IS NOT A DOOR. Maybe part of that message got removed. It’s like a NO PARKING sign I once spotted where the word PARKING had been removed or fallen off---so that the sign simple read: NO.

This stuff never ends, of course---but when you’re lucky enough to spot something good, it’s like finding a bit of magic within plain sight. Like finding a sign on a new toilet at Home Depot reading: ASK AN ASSOCIATE FOR A DEMO.

Sometimes, intentionally altered signs can be the most outstanding of all. They can demonstrate creativity---and sometimes insurrection. An example:
When I was in high school, the librarian was a mercilessly stern woman everyone called “Wizard.” I don’t know why.

One day, on a bulletin board, right in the middle of the library, Wizard had placed the following words in bright, individually pinned-on letters. It read: THE LIBRARY IS FULL OF TREASURES.
In a moment of supreme inspiration---the kind typical of teenage boys---a kid named Charlie dared alter Wizard’s words. While she was distracted in another part of the library, Charlie worked with dazzling speed, removing key letters from the word “library.”

It was only sometime later that day that Wizard discovered Charlie’s handiwork---as the words now read: THE BRA IS FULL OF TREASURES.

Charlie was the school hero. But we never saw him---or the missing letters---in the library again.

pat@patcashman.com
Also can be seen on TV’s “the [206]”---and on a weekly on-line show Peculiarpodcast.com