By Pat Cashman

I saw it last week: A driver shaking his fist at another. Not unusual, except the driver being raged at was driving a hearse at the time---and leading a funeral procession.

We seem to be really ticked off around here. We seem to be the most bothered, bugged, galled, irked, riled, roiled, ruffled, chafed, piqued, peeved and nettled society in human history. (My thanks to the late Peter Roget for his invaluable help in providing the words in the preceding sentence.)

Out on our local roadways---from the Junction to the West Seattle Bridge---from highways 99 to 509---from Fauntleroy to the boats on the Duwamish---people are fuming more than a Metro bus with a bad oil filter.

Hospital emergency rooms are reporting a number of patients with severely strained middle fingers. It is estimated that more “birds” are flipped on local roads than all Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises combined.
Activists are proposing trigger locks for middle fingers. That doesn’t sit well with strict Constitutionalists, who note that “the right to bear arms” should extend to all parts of those arms.

Believe it or not there are actually people these days called “road rage scholars.” Yes, it may now be possible for a university student to actually major in “Road Rage.” With a minor in compulsive gambling.

Road rage scholars say aggressive driving has become the most common way of driving. In other words, it’s not just one or two nut balls---it’s you, everyone and me. Well, everyone and you.

So why are we so testy behind the wheel? Those scholars say it could be the ever-worsening traffic and clogged freeways; or the increased number of drivers on the roads; or perhaps residual anger over the Sonics moving to Oklahoma.

Whatever the cause, some of us clearly need to take a time-out. Police ought to start pulling aggressive drivers over and making them park facing into a street corner---with their heads down for an hour or two. And no peeking into the rear-view mirror either.
A few years ago, a company started marketing an audio CD called “The Peaceful Driver.” People are supposed to listen to its messages of positive visualization and calming affirmations while driving. Sounds fine. But what if the car’s CD player fouls up---and the audio starts skipping? I think you know.

The U.S. Department of Transportation National Highway Traffic Safety Administration---not only has the longest name in the world---but also a list of tips on how drivers can avoid conflict:
Use your horn only when necessary. Horns make other drivers angry. Better yet, how about hooking up a loudspeaker to your car horn---so instead of a honk, the other driver hears a pre-recorded message: “No problem that you almost drove me into the ditch! You have just as much right to be in this lane as I do! Please forgive my thoughtlessness. I apologize on behalf of myself and everybody else in this ambulance.”

Avoid direct eye contact. This one is confusing. Does this mean avoiding eye contact only with other drivers---or does it also include averting your eyes from road signs, traffic lights and the road itself?

Don’t drive while angry or upset. “Hi, Boss. I’m not coming into work. I something on TV last night that got me too mad to risk driving in today.” (Because it really is upsetting to see a guy with a big lead lose in Final Jeopardy.

A British newspaper article noted a few years ago that all this rage isn’t only happening on the roads. The article detailed how London shoppers are becoming gripped with “trolley”(shopping cart) rage while waiting in long lines at supermarkets.

There’s no doubt that it’s happening here too. I’ve been sideswiped more than once inside Costco. Last week, a cart was totaled in a head-on crash---sending cases of chardonnay and toilet paper flying.
Woe to the guy who tries to sneak an extra item through an express line---he could wind up deader than the rack of lamb he’s trying to buy.

And if somebody bumps into my wife’s cart while she’s coming down the cereal aisle, they’re going to be pulling Lucky Charm’s out of their nose for a month.

The day is coming when fights will routinely break out at church on Sunday: “Come on, Father! Wrap it up! The Hawks are kicking off in ten minutes!”

Theatergoers will come in wearing mouth-guards and brass knuckles.
Some people will start attending hockey games just so they can get mellow.
So let me be a voice of reason. Lighten up everybody. There’s not nobody who shouldn’t not at least try.

Editor’s Note: When our copy-proofing department gently tried to point out to Mr. Cashman that he had used two double negatives in his final sentence, he went on a rampage, overturning our office wastebaskets and breaking an electric pencil sharper. Following his participation in an anger management workshop, his column will resume next week.

pat@patcashman.com
Pat can be seen on the sketch show “Up Late NW” airing Saturdays on KING 5 and throughout Washington and Oregon. He also co-hosts a weekly on-line talk show: www.Peculiarpodcast.com