by Georgie Bright Kunkel

In years past those who divorced were not accepted in so-called polite society. I remember when my oldest sister became the first divorced member of our family. Invitations to dinners and parties were not as readily offered to her as they were when she was married. And there was certainly not a divorce ceremony to help the divorced couple face their trauma. Society has created passage ceremonies for weddings and christenings but divorce has remained under the table, so to speak. In the days when the extended family all lived in close proximity there was always some older, more experienced person to turn to for counsel. Now fast forward and you find couples without the counsel they may need. Just talk to any divorced person and you will hear the sad reasons for marriage incapability. Here is what some divorced people say:

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I did not know it was coming. My husband asked for a divorce right out of the blue. I had no clue. I believed that we were doing well. For some reason I did not recognize the signs that my husband was not happy in our marriage.

I realized after months of increasing verbal putdowns that I could no longer tolerate being the target of such attacks upon my sense of well being.

We no longer laughed together. He was in front of the computer playing his computer games and had no time for anything else.

We argued continually about money. There never seemed to be enough. He wanted to buy a new car and expensive clothes. We rarely went anywhere together because we had little money.

I wanted children but my husband felt he didn’t want to commit to a family.

We stopped making love. I found myself feeling unwanted and unloved.

I found out that he had been having an affair. It shattered my whole being and made it impossible for me to continue in our marriage.

My husband had a chance for a promotion across the country and I was not able to leave my job right away. The separation put great stress on our relationship.

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How sad it is to hear the stories of failed marriages. If two people considering marriage would spend time in counseling to work out their differences and learn how to cope with these differences, marriage would not be such a surprise and shock of opposing values. Mature family members can shed light on the need to work through any differences in values and habit patterns before a couple considers marriage. Time spent in adequate preparation for the important decision of marriage is crucial in building a solid relationship. It isn’t always easy to blend two human beings into a close relationship. There must be some core values that each partner shares so that any little differences can be worked out. No, marriage is not for sissies but it can be a lifelong partnership of shared experiences if entered into with preparation for the long haul. (Note: today there are couples who live together without having gone through the formal marriage ceremony. They still face the same pitfalls if they have not prepared for such a close relationship.)

Georgie Bright Kunkel is a freelance writer who can be reached at gnkunkel@comcast.net or 203-935-8663.