By Pat Cashman

I remember it to this day---the most disturbing film I’d ever seen as a kid.

It’s a science fiction movie that was playing at the local flick house---a movie so terrifying that I couldn’t sleep for three nights. And that was before I’d even seen the film.

It’s called Spacemaster X-7---a C movie that gives B movies a bad name. It’s about as awful a movie as kale is as a candy.

The magnificently incoherent plot has to do with a weird creeping fungus from outer space that looks like a combination of Silly Putty and tapioca. It slinks around eating people like they were moon pies.

When you’re a little kid---already creating funguses of your own under your bed---that prospect is both terrifying and plausible.

I recently discovered the movie again---this time on You Tube. And this time the film caused me to sleep for three nights.

The very same movie that once caused such fear now seems dull and ineptly produced. Perhaps that’s because the movie is dull and ineptly produced.

Yet, I was somehow entertained by it. Its very cheesiness is oddly appealing---in the same way that being hit over the head with a shovel feels good to a masochist. I wondered why such a lousy movie could manage that. I decided to turn to an expert on the subject.

His name is Fred Hopkins. Some people call him Professor Fred, although I’ve never seen a diploma. But if Dre can be Dr. Dre, then Fred can be Professor Fred. After all, he may be the world’s foremost expert on tacky movies. He may be the world’s only expert on tacky movies.

Fred says, “Tacky movies are like cheap candy---you just can’t get them out of your teeth.”

He says his primary love---besides his wife, kids and cheap candy---is watching the worst movies ever made. Plan 9 From Outer Space (a 1959 disaster-piece directed by the legendary Ed Wood) is one. There’s also Untamed Women, Monster from the Surf and Rat Pfink a Boo Boo. Sometimes you can judge a book---and screenplay---by its cover.

Another spectacularly lame effort is Mars Needs Women---a 1967 film made for $20,000---most of which must have gone to sandwiches and beer for the crew.

Tommy Kirk, a former Disney child star---appears in the film. He now says Mars Needs Women is “undoubtedly one of the stupidest motion pictures ever made. How I got talked into it, I don’t know.” This from an actor that was also talked into appearing in Village of the Giants, The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini---and Blood of Ghastly Horror.
But Fred Hopkins says that the greatest, worst movie of all-time is Eegah from 1962. That’s the same year that Lawrence of Arabia came out---a film that grossed 70 million dollars beyond its 15 million dollar budget.

Eegah, on the other hand, had a15 thousand-dollar budget. It fell short of making 70 million dollars, instead taking in about $3,300.

Lawrence of Arabia is generally considered to be one of the greatest film masterpieces of all-time. Eegah is not generally considered.

Lawrence of Arabia is an epic historical film about the life of T.E. Lawrence. Eegah is about a giant prehistoric woman -crazed caveman.

Lawrence of Arabia won seven Academy Awards. Eegah won seven fewer.

Yet, there is no question which film Fred Hopkins would rather watch---especially if The Oozing Skull is on the same bill.

“These films are not only tacky, but they’re poorly made, virtually devoid of pacing and editing---and often go in and out of focus due to budgetary limitations. I love that!”

Fred figures that the appeal of lousy movies is that “they’re so bad you can justifiably brag about how even YOU could make a better movie.” And he insists that cheesy, trashy, gaudy films that insult an audience’s intelligence are always winners at getting a dull party going.

“Suddenly, “he says, “You’ve got something to talk about.” Apparently there is no better way to get an attractive woman’s attention than to start chatting about Robot Monster.

And Fred is brimming with facts.

For example, did you know that the cheap B movie Cuban Rebel Girls contains the last starring role by Errol Flynn? Fred does. Relatives of Errol Flynn wish he’d just drop it.
Meanwhile, I’m planning to re-watch Spacemaster X-7 all over again---maybe this time with Fred. I’m sure he’ll have an interesting bit of surprising trivia to add.

I hope it’s something like, “Did you know that a very young Meryl Streep played the part of the creeping fungus?”

pat@patcashman.com
Pat can be seen on a brand new sketch show “Up Late NW” airing Saturdays on KING 5 and throughout Washington and Oregon. He also co-hosts a weekly on-line talk show: www.Peculiarpodcast.com