By Pat Cashman

Mike is trying his best to take this “going green” thing seriously. He says he has recently started recycling newspapers each week. “Entire newspapers?” I asked. He shook his head. “No, “he admitted. “ Just your columns.”

Then I remembered that he only reads newspapers on-line.

I asked him what he thinks about Seattle’s ban (since 2012) on plastic bags at grocery and drug stores.

“I think it stinks,” Mike said. “I know that all the “greenies” want everybody to carry canvas sacks around everywhere they shop---but not me.”

He’s not really a rebel. He has severe canvas allergies. “That’s why, “ he says, “I bring my OWN plastic and paper bags with me to the store.“

He figures that if everybody simply re-used the plastic and paper bags already in existence they would never wind up in the landfill, would not be an environmental concern---and “we could put Big Canvas out of business.”
Meanwhile, when Mike goes to the store to buy plastic bags, he brings a paper bag to carry them home in.

My grandma used to say, “no one should buy more at the grocery store than they can carry on their person.” That’s why, even on hot days, she always went to the store wearing her largest coat---and always with lots of big, deep pockets.

She would arrive at the store as a slight, slender woman---and leave as a bulky, hefty one.
Her personal best was seven cans of beans, 3 tins of tuna, two quarts of buttermilk and a small watermelon. By the time she got home her ankles were killing her.

For years all our local TV news people have been admonishing---even scolding us to be better stewards of the planet. One report offered tips on how to lower one’s daily electricity usage. Among the tips NOT mentioned: Turning off your TV set. I wonder how they missed that one?

In fact, another remedy might be for all TV stations to cut down on their studio lighting---maybe using that silhouette style for obscuring the true identities of anonymous news sources? Plus, it would be fun trying to guess which news anchor was which: “That voice sounds like Matsukawa, but the silhouette resembles Raible.”
Otherwise, the conservation tips include things like “do your laundry after 9 at night when the demand for electricity is lower. “OK, but why do laundry at all? By definition, “going green” might mean letting fabrics take on mildew and mold hues. Bonus advantage: If the clothes get musty enough, you might find some tasty truffles growing in the pockets.

Another hint Mike saw on local TV the other night---and he is not kidding: “Turn off your lights when you go to bed at night.” That is a terrific idea---probably coming from a think tank---and not one that many of us would ever think of.

Also a good idea: Turn your oven off when not baking---nor putting your head inside it while baking.

Beyond all those tips, here are a few others to toss onto the bandwagon as it rolls into “Greensville”:
Each night, assign each member of the family a single 40-watt light bulb---one of those curly-cue types that look like the top of a Dairy Queen cone. Then, as each person goes from room to room at night, they take their individual bulb with them, screwing it in and out of fixtures as needed. This does, of course, require a keen memory of exactly where all the fixtures and furniture are located. And the cat.
Rather than operate an electricity-hogging vacuum cleaner, tidy up those carpets and floors by covering your body in two-sided sticky tape. Then, roll around for a while. Floors will be spic and span in no time. Make sure grandma gets in on the fun too.

Always look for ways to ‘multi-task.’ Example: When using the clothes dryer, toss in the frozen meat---it will be defrosted by dinner-fixing time. Be sure to put the meat into heat resistant pouches or you may get marbling in your towels and pillowcases.

Similarly, try taping a ham sandwich onto your torso prior to exercising. After the workout, you will have a ready-to-eat hot meal.

Some neighborhoods are experimenting with the idea of organizing “block bathing parties.” It’s a good way to save energy---and get to know each other really well. Statistics show an 11% savings in electric and water bills.
Another finding: a 42% increase in divorces---and new marriages.

One more idea to consider: There are thousands of traffic light intersections in this state, all of them featuring the customary green, yellow and red lights. But since most drivers seem to pay no attention to the yellow ones, why not eliminate them?
Not only would the cost reduction be considerable---but TV news would also have many great car crashes to show each night.

Even Mike likes the idea.

pat@patcashman.com
Pat can be seen on the TV sketch show “Up Late NW” airing on KING 5 Saturdays at 1:00am and Sundays at 11:30pm---and also seen throughout Washington and Oregon. Plus he co-hosts a weekly on-line talk show: www.Peculiarpodcast.com